I plopped myself down on my bed, my husband sitting in a chair on the opposite side of the room.  Tears filled my eyes and I began to express concern and worry for my son. This particular day had been a difficult one. He had trouble getting along with a friend, and it didn't end well. Threats from both sides and then his friend telling an exaggerated version of a story which lacked his involvement in the conflict.

My son felt misunderstood and not heard. He felt betrayed by his friend. I know those feelings well. I felt the pit growing in my stomach.

I have had to learn over the years to manage those emotions to the best of my ability.

But he is a child, still developing and learning the social and emotional complexities of being a part of society. It isn't enough for me to say, “You just shouldn't care what people think.” It's not so black and white for him. I had to practice to embrace that ideology.

The truth is, my 7-year-old often comes home from school worried, anxious, and upset. Kids were picking on other kids at school, worried he was going to get in trouble for hanging out with the troublemakers, and sad because he feels like he doesn't have friends at school.

I never try to pretend these anxieties and uncertainties in life don't exist. I never try to smooth over the reality that life is often a struggle. I try to help him manage the stress and find a purpose which makes the effort worthwhile.

He makes friends quite easily and is “social” as the definition goes…

so·cial / adjective

• needing companionship and therefore best suited to living in communities. / “We are social beings as well as individuals.”
• relating to or designed for activities in which people meet each other for pleasure. / “Guy led a full social life”

…but he has a hard time relating to kids his age. He doesn't feel a connection with them in a more profound sense. He feels misunderstood most days, yet carries on with the show at school, especially.

The Affirmation Approach

My approach has been to get on one knee, hold his arm, look him in the eyes, and let him know how good he is at making friends and at being a leader. In other words, I “fill him up” with loads of genuine affirmations and it works, to some extent.

On an individual, superficial level, my affirmation approach helped him, but I didn't get to the core of his anxiety.

That is where my husband stepped in.

I have written about my husband on a few occasions. He has this incredible knack for coming up with these phrases to which my boys relate and respond.

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The “Like Who You Are” Approach

We're trying to teach our kids that whining and telling on one another is not acceptable. They have the communication skills to work through the conflict and can do so directly. They don't need an adult to solve their problems.

We're also trying to teach our kids to own the problem. If you don't own the problem, there will never be a solution. Even if you genuinely believe you're not at fault, own it. Be a leader.

These are harsh lessons to teach and to live by as a child and as an adult.

On this particular day, I felt defeated and deflated by parenting three boys in a fast-paced, often cruel world.  My son wandered into my bedroom noticing I had laid on the bed. He saw his dad, too, and hopped on the bed with me. He held my hand. I rubbed his back with my other hand.

Then my husband says, “You know, there are always going to be people in your life that don't make you feel good about yourself. The secret is to find people in your life who make you feel good about who you are and who bring out the best qualities in you. Think of the people in your life who when you're around them you love what they bring out in you.”

I saw my son's eyes studying my husband, his brain churning with the idea my husband had just laid out to him.

Brilliant.

“You know why I fell in love with daddy and knew I wanted him to be my husband?” I chimed.

My son looked at me and shook his head.

“Because whenever I was around Daddy, I felt like I could do anything. I could be myself and not pretend to be anyone else. He brought out the parts that make me great.”

“So, think about what you love about yourself and then think about when those parts of you come out. Look around, and that is with whom you need to surround yourself.  Does that make sense?” My husband asked.

My son nodded and smiled.

He got it.

Surround yourself with people that make you feel good about who you are and be the best possible version of yourself you can be.

Easy, right?

My mother reminded me the other day that this no-fail trick to getting kids to behave in the car was her go to parenting weapon when I was a kid.

Seriously?

She took the wind out of my sail.

I am brilliant. No, wait, she is brilliant.

Whatever, it works. Bottom line.

How to Get Kids to Behave in the Car

Picture this scene: You're on the school pick up loop. You picked up child #1. He immediately begins (literally) begging you to go to his favorite pizza place for dinner, which is not going to happen for reasons known to him. Obviously a bit “hangry” (a cross between hungry & angry), I suggest he take a look at the items left in his lunchbox. Oh, man, was I asking for it.

Finally, we arrive at child #2's school. He doesn't even ask me any questions, just launches into whining, sighing, and foot stomping the moment he hops into the car. He wants a snack, needs a snack, desperate for a snack.

I make the same suggestion: “Anything left in your lunch box? Maybe you could have a snack.” If I hadn't learned my lesson a few minutes ago with child #1, I learned it with child #2. Salt in the wound.

That moment, fraught with noise and overstimulation for anyone trying to focus on driving, was actually quite calm. I felt a sense of peace. I knew what I needed to do.

Tip for Getting Kids to Behave in the Car

The tip is so simple. It requires a bit of time so hopefully, you worked in a bit of a cushion.  Trust me, the learning curve is steep.

Here we go: pullover

I confidently pulled over to the side of the road (in a safe spot), turned off the engine, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and then I waited for them to notice.

My older son stopped immediately. His younger brother looked at me with evil eyes.

“I need to be able to focus on driving. So, I pulled over. As soon as you calm your body, I will continue going.”

The longer we waited on the side of the road, the prospect of satisfying any hunger seemed further and further away.

Here is the deal: my oldest son knows better. He has the self-regulation. He was caught up in the moment. He was trying to pull a fast one on me. His younger brother is working on self-regulation. He is also a rigid, explosive child who (with the guidance of his parents) is training his body to recognize when his engine is high and which tools he can access to help him calm his body down. Kind of a painful process, but so gratifying to watch as he progressed. Pulling over, for him, was a trigger and it also stopped the car from moving which enabled him to sync back up with the world.

We're in the car a lot. I need to be able to focus. My kids need to be able to learn how to control themselves. Pulling the car over to the side of the road and stopping the engine is my no-fail trick to getting my kids to behave in the car. Be calm. Be confident.

Marnie

My bedroom door flung open, the lights snapped on, and I saw my 7-year-old son through my blurry eyes.

“I am not going to school today and I don't care what you say,” he announced to me.

He said it again.

Then one more time for effect.

“I hear you, sweetie. Give me a minute to wake up and we can talk.”

“Nope. There is no talking. I am not going and that is final. I hate learning. School is boring.”

Gotta give him an A+ for conviction.

Decisiveness mixed with a bit of compassion and thoughtfulness is always a good thing.

Try this Approach the Next Time your Child Refuses to Go to School

My son is an explosive child. I have to be careful choosing my words with responding to his declarations.

I have worked hard to get to the point where I’m able to see through his behavior in order to understand and therefore be able to address what is truly behind the behavior.

I have learned over the years that challenging behavior is rarely driven by what is clearly in front of you. {In this case, my child telling me he doesn't want to go to school because he hates learning.}

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Some may call it a superpower but for me, being able to successfully decipher my son's behavior, took a lot of trial and error.  There is no magic just a whole lot of grit.

He left the room and I managed to crawl out from bed. As I walked into the kitchen, I saw my son sitting on my husband's lap, his legs wrapped around his dad's waist.

“That is a good sign,” I thought to myself feeling a bit of relief.

One on one interaction.

Related Read:  Positive Things to Say to Your Child During Negative Moments

“You can't choose when you go to school and when you don't go to school,” my husband explained.

“Yes, I can, and there is nothing you can do. School is boring. I hate learning.”

My husband acknowledged this statement simply by repeating it back to my son. Mirroring is a ridiculously effective approach to negotiating with anyone by the way.

My son nodded at the acknowledgment.

I observed and processed the interaction and my son's behavior.

See Past the Behavior to the Real Issue

See I knew something my husband didn't know. My son is insecure about his friendships at times and had a challenging time with a good friend in front of a few of his classmates. This happened over the weekend when his dad was out of town. I witnessed it but had moved passed it and thought my son had moved forward, too.

“Sweetie, your friends need you. They miss you…” my husband tried to cut me off but I gave him a look that cut him off. I felt conviction in this circumstance.

“No, they don't…”

“I disagree. You're the leader. Your classmates look to you for help with their school work, to play on the playground, and so much more. You stand up for your classmates and you always do the right thing. I know this about you.”

“They don't like me. They hate me.”

“Sweetie, I am going to say something that you might not like to hear. Will you let me finish?”

He nodded.

“I noticed your disagreement with a few of your friends at Mark's birthday party. I feel you may be hurting a bit from that situation because your friends saw. You feel bad and you're a little embarrassed. Am I right?”

He looked over at me and he nodded…

The Tactic to Help Kids Get to School

My husband jumped in with the BEST tactic to helping your child get to school, to a party, to any event outside of your home.

He held gently onto my son's shoulders, looked him softly and directly into his eyes and said, “You're amazing at making friends. You're such a good friend. You're strong. You're brave. You're a leader.”

He filled him up.

He offered affirmations that filled my son with confidence and reminded my son that he has gifts and value.

These days kids seem more depressed than ever for a variety of reasons. That has to change before these kids become adults. Anxiety and depression stifle people and our kids are at risk for being and becoming depressed.

So, try it next time. When your child is pushing back, not wanting to go to school or to an event outside of your home, look past the superficial behavior and fill her up with all her goodness. Remind her of all her strengths.

I hope this tip helpful.

Marnie