After months of keeping the process and decision private, it seems funny that I am here writing this post.

The journey I am about to describe began over five years ago when our son was two…

…but it seems people are only focused on the decision that we made less than three months ago, a decision five years in the making…

…which is why I am writing this post. At this point, it is important that I start talking more openly about our decision. Furthermore, I believe strongly that our story will help parents struggling with challenging behaviors from their children.

Our son always exhibited strong behaviors that seemed to be driven largely by food and sleep.

If you feel like you're in the same boat but don't know where to begin, check out the Behavior Quick Reference Guide to help you identify a good starting point.

As he grew older and his brain continued developing we began to widen our scope to help our son manage these strong behaviors (which – by the way – we view as gifts and opportunities. You can read more about this mantra here: Why My Child’s Biggest Challenges are His Greatest Gifts.)

Without a diagnosis we took on the challenge through parent coaching and cognitive behavioral therapy.

We also visited with numerous psychiatrists ranging from a woman telling us our son was as typical as they come to a man who met my son for 45 minutes and gave us a prescription for ritalin. We even spent a day in the ER after a dangerous and scary few hours with my son.

Over time, we learned extensively about the gut biome brain connection. We understood how the microbes in the gut speak to neurotransmitters in the brain directly impacting mood regulation and behavior.

We cleaned his gut over a 14 week protocol under the guidance of a wonderful pediatric nutritionist. This process was eye opening by the way. Until we cleaned up his belly, my son was actually unable to absorb important minerals like iron and zinc. News Flash – keeping the gut in tact is more than simply adding an off the shelf probiotic to your daily regiment.

During this time, we received eye rolls from our pediatrician when asking for certain blood tests. She claimed that in her 25 years of practicing she had never seen a child with low zinc. Her assistant even had to look up two of the tests I requested from their office.

So, after years of this educational journey, numerous therapy sessions discussing our son's emotional and social needs, dozens of hours of testing across an array of developmental aspects, and extensive conversations with our son's teachers and school specialists, we did it.

We made the decision to accelerate our son to 3rd grade. Our 7 year old son would now be in 3rd grade among 8 and 9 year olds. The decision was a relief in many ways but then we moved onto the next challenge – our messaging. Our son and his older brother (in 4th grade) had to answer many questions from classmates. My husband and I had to answer to other families. Our school administrators had to answer to families. Our messaging had to be in line and had to take the “less is more” approach.

So, as I mentioned above, at this point now that the ocean has calmed a bit, I recognize the importance in talking more openly about our decision in order to help the 1000s of other parents struggling with challenging behaviors.

{Psst…by the way…did you hear? The FREE Calm the Chaos Workshop is open again? It helps us a ton.}

The decision wasn't an easy one but neither was the process to get here.

The decision was not black & white and, in fact, involved dozens of variables.

I am always surprised when someone says, “What about him socially?” as if that obstacle had never occured to me.

The fact is that we have been struggling since our son was two years old and our decision was not made lightly and not made because he is a “genius”.

Sure, our son is smart but he also was unhappy, continued to have explosive behavior at home, was depressed, becoming increasingly impulsive, was unable to connect with kids his own age, and becoming less and less engaged in learning.

I felt like we were losing him and he was only six years old.

What most people don't know is that we pulled him from school for days to work with him and to test him.

We spent thousands of dollars and over 8 hours testing him on all planes of development.

We met with pediatric nutritionists to balance his gut biome.

We spent two weeks out patient helping him with “coping skills” in cognitive behavior therapy.

The kicker was when our neuropsychologist explained to us that every year he gets at least a dozen families coming to him about skipping a grade and only once in the past three years has he recommended grade acceleration (and that child was our son).

Furthermore, our son's school had never accelerated a child so the conversation were careful and intentional about whether this decision was not only the best for our son but for the school.

We also have a learning plan and are supplementing across the board at home.

The reality of the situation with our son (as it is with most children) is that a decision such as this one – to skip a grade – was part of a much bigger protocol to help guide him to find passion, to find meaning, to connect with the world, to be more joyful, and to appreciate all that this often difficult life has to offer.

To read more about our journey & learn about resources that helped us along the way, check out the below:

• Calm the Chaos Workshop
• 3 Children’s Books to Help Your Kids Deal with Anxiety & Anger
• 40 Beautiful Children’s Books that Help Teach a Child about Courage & Bravery
• 8 Ways Teaching Mindfulness to Kids Actually Works
• 13 Ideas that Will Help an Angry Child TODAY
• 100 Phrases to Use to Show Appreciation for Your Child
• Dr. Ross Greene's Collaborative Problem Solving Approach
• The Gut Biome Connection

Let me know your struggle. Maybe I can help…

Marnie

P.S. Learn more about the FREE Calm the Chaos Workshop Now!

Social skills are complex and not all children learn them naturally. Some children need extra help and support to make friends and, not to mention, to keep them.

How to Teach Your Child Social Skills

Here are some ideas to help your child develop social skills:

Observe your child.

Take every opportunity you can to observe your child interacting with others. Invite other children around and observe your child’s social skills, you can also do this in other situations e.g. at the park, the swimming pool, beach, on holiday, or at family gatherings.

This will give you an idea of which areas your child needs to work on.

Is your child the type who hangs back with a tendency to be shy?

Does she like to be the ‘boss’ with everything on her terms?

Is your child able to share and take turns?

Does he listen to what his friends have to say?

Is she flexible? If a game she has suggested does not go down well, can she ‘go with the flow?’ or will this situation lead to upset.

Observe how other children play.

If you know children who seem to be popular with plenty of friends, think about what it is that helps them to be like this.

Chances are they will have well developed social skills. If you get the chance to help out at your child’s school you will have ample opportunity to observe children’s social behaviour, especially in the playground.

Alternatively, just watch other children when you are out with your own.

What is it these popular children actually do?

Teach social skills.

Teach your child the social skills they need in the same way you would teach anything else, here are some tips:

Explain what to do.

‘Remember to say Hello and smile when you meet someone new’

‘If you want a go with something someone else has got, ask them nicely if you can have a turn, what would you say?’

Show your child what to do.

Role model good social skills yourself, let your child see you interacting with as many people as possible and talk about how you feel in certain situations:

‘I was not sure if the lady in the shop was in a very friendly mood today, I smiled at her but she didn’t smile back.’

‘The receptionist at the doctors was so kind and helpful wasn’t she’

‘The people at my new work made me feel very welcome.’

Notice the positive.

Let your child know what you think they are good at when it comes to social skills. Maybe they are kind and think of others, or perhaps they have a positive attitude and always want to be friends with people.

Make sure you notice when they are using these skills and comment on what you see:

‘I saw you help that little girl that was kind’

‘I noticed how good you were at taking turns on the swing’

Use situations at home as well:

‘Thanks for asking so politely’

‘Well done for not interrupting me when I was talking to the other Mums.’

Identify areas to improve.

Have a chat with your child and say you want to help them with their friendships, ask your child:

What makes a good friend?

Brainstorm some ideas together, perhaps think of some characters from books TV or films. For example for younger children: Is Tigger in ‘Winne the Pooh’ a good friend?

He is an important friend to the others, but all that bouncing around must get a little annoying sometimes, does Tigger realize that?

Think of some characters to talk about to older children: in ‘Harry Potter’ for example, what is it that makes Hermione, Harry and Ron such good friends? Are they kind, do they listen to each others opinions? Do they share things? Do they consider each others feelings?

Set up opportunities to practice.

If you feel your child is not good at turn taking perhaps, or always wants to be the one in charge set up situations at home that will give them the opportunity to practice these skills. Use board games and team games that require co-operation.

Coach your child before and during play, use descriptive praise when they do well.

‘Remember it’s important to wait your turn so everyone can enjoy the game’

‘Good Archie, you are waiting your turn politely even though you are desperate to have a go.’

If your child is shy and too scared to ask to join in games in the playground teach them how to do this by giving them specific suggestions:

Watch a while

Smile

Say something eg. ‘That looks fun’

Say something nice eg. ‘You’re really good at that’

Ask to join in ‘Can I have a go please’

Pretend practice this at home, for young children use teddies or dolls, for older children act out these scenarios with them.

Encourage small steps.

The goal might be for your child to be able to join in with a game in the playground or the park but at first just watching and smiling might be all she can manage, praise every step along the way.

If your child seems to be struggling with social skills it’s worth taking the time to ‘go the extra mile’ and support them with this. It will take time and there will be set backs along the way, but remember you have a huge influence over your child and you are their first and potentially best teacher.