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Home » Parenting » A Simple Change in Verbiage Made All the Difference

A Simple Change in Verbiage Made All the Difference

This post may contain affiliate links. See my disclosure .

For so many years, we have heard the advice that begs to ask your child “how would you feel if…”

I took this approach with my three boys for years. Yes, years. My oldest is almost nine and I have been practicing positive communication – acknowledgment, validation, and so on…since in-utero.

You think I am kidding.

A few weeks ago I read a book called “Boys Adrift” by Leonard Sax. {You should totally check it out.} In this book, Mr. Sax discusses the subtle difference in phrasing that makes or breaks a boy’s motivation.

Try this subtle change of wording with your sonto get the info you need

‘How Would You Feel If’ Is All Wrong

Here is the deal: in a girl’s developing brain, regions of the brain associated with negative emotion are closely associated with language areas of the brain. In contrast, brain activity associated with negative emotion in a boy’s brain is localized primarily in the amygdala, a nucleus of the brain not associated with the language areas.

The big secret revealed: instead of using the phrase “how would you feel if”, use the language “what would you do if…?”

For example, recently I had to discuss a bullying situation with my middle son (almost 7 years old). Instead of saying, “How would you feel if…” I asked him “what would you do if…”

This minor verbiage shift made a huge difference in his response. I was able to gather information unavailable to me in previous conversations and we were able to “role play” effectively to help my son and the boy being bullied.

Try it next time. A subtle shift in wording that makes a huge difference in communicating with your son.

In the meantime, check out 110+ Simple Ways to Love Your Son

Tagged With: Brain Development, Positive Parenting, Raising Sons

About Marnie Craycroft

Marnie hails from Maine where she spent summers buried in sand and winters buried in snow. She is the daughter of a nearly four decade veteran of the public school systems. Teaching has always been a part of her life. She founded Carrots Are Orange in 2010.

Carrots Are Orange is a Montessori learning and living website for parents and teachers.

Marnie graduated from Wesleyan University in 1999 with a BA in Economics. She spent nearly a decade working in investment management. In 2006, she earned her MA in business from the University of Washington’s Foster School of Business.

Marnie moved to the west coast in 1999 and currently lives in Boulder with her husband and three sons. She is Montessori trained. Her work has been featured on Apartment Therapy, Buzzfeed, PBS Kids, BabyCenter, the Melissa & Doug blog, Huffington Post, and WhattoExpect.com. Besides writing, passions include running (usually after her three sons), photography, and outdoor adventures.

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