Communication

12 Things an FBI Hostage Negotiator Taught Me about Parenting

By Marnie Craycroft Filed Under: Positive Parenting Tagged With: Communication, Parenting This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

I recently read a book by one of the FBI's top negotiators and so much of what he offered in the book resonated with me as a parent.

You're with me, right?

You know those moments when you feel like you're being held hostage by your child?

Well, here are a few negotiation tips from [amazon_textlink asin='0062407805′ text='Never Split the Difference' template='ProductLink' store='blogpost' marketplace='US' link_id=”]

12 Things an FBI Hostage Negotiator Taught Me about Parenting

#1 – “How” / Open-Ended / Calibrated Questions

Here is an example: Your child wants to watch a show and demands to watch a show. Your response, “How do you know I haven't already worked a show into our plans?”

You child demands you to pick up his book on the floor of the back seat while you're driving. Your response, “How am I supposed to do that?”

#2 – Be Ready for Surprises

This one is not news to us parents but none the less a good reminder. Be proactive in how your child may react and be prepared for a response. Also, be prepared with a Plan B and Plan C if Plan A goes sideways. Never underestimate your child and his ability to throw you a curve call. Getting caught off guard will not help your case.

#3 – Slow Down

I find this tip to work magic. Whether you need to slow down because you need to gather yourself or you might explode, to find the words to respond, or to give your child a chance to fill the voice, silence increases your chances of ending the hostage situation successfully.

#4 – Embrace a Voice

Choose a tone of voice and stick with it. Practice and determine which tone of voice works most effectively with your child.

Direct (Firm & Kind)
Playful (The key is to smile.)
Calm (This one takes a lot of “ommm”.)

#5 – Start with “I've got bad news” or “You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you…”

This simple introduction lowers the child's expectations.

#6 – Label the Emotion / Tactical Empathy

This one is parenting 101 in the year 2018. Still, a good reminder. This approach can also be called “active listening” where you repeat back what you hear, label the emotion, or you match and lower their expectations.

#7 – Detach

I learned this one first from [amazon_textlink asin='1250156947′ text='Jocko Willink ‘ template='ProductLink' store='blogpost' marketplace='US' link_id=”]. Detaching is essentially the idea that in order to keep functioning with clarity to be able to make good decisions, you need to detach from the situation at hand.

#8 – Mirroring – We are drawn to what is similar. We want to be understood. We want to be heard.

Chris Voss says, “By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.”

Repeat the last three words
Acknowledge the child's words
Speech patterns
Body language
Tempo
Tone of voice
Vocabulary

#9 – Silence

You need to allow for the moment of silence between the conversation. This allows for the child to process, for you to process, and for you to gain some serious negotiation points.

#10 – Focus Completely & 100% on the Other Person During the Negotiation

This one encompasses many of the points already made. With mirroring, for example, you have to focus on the person. Active listening doesn't really exist without 100% focus on the other person.

#11 – I Don't Understand

This simple statement buys you time.

#12 – That's Right

You like your child but you really want to move away from whatever negotiation you're having with him. So, you say “That's right” instead of “you're right”. That statement triggers connection. In order to get to the point where you say “that's right,” you have to actively listen to your child.

Life is a Negotiation

Information gathering & behavior influencing is the name of the game. Each of these points above is not mutually exclusive and can be chosen a la carte. My sons are totally thrown off by #1 – open-ended questions.

I end up gathering a lot more information and they end up processing the situation a bit more. I am excited to start using these tactics with my young sons and I can only imagine how valuable these skills will be with my teenagers.

Marnie

How to Help Your Child Calm Down During the Holidays

By Jane Rogers Filed Under: Positive Parenting, Social & Emotional Intelligence Tagged With: Communication, Mindfulness, Parenting This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

So, it’s the Christmas holidays coming up very soon and what an exciting time it is. For some children, however, it can become too much. When children feel this overwhelm behavior can deteriorate quickly. Taking time to calm down is critical.

Sometimes when children ‘misbehave’ and become emotional, perhaps shouting and crying, they are not testing the boundaries or doing something deliberately to provoke you. In reality, these children are having difficulty controlling their feelings and expressing their emotions in an appropriate way.

Having a specified calm down period or rest period scheduled into each day, especially around the holidays, works wonders for kids.

Why Kids Need a Calm Down Period Every Day

Used properly, calm down time can be a very helpful technique which can teach your child that removing yourself from a situation and taking time to calm down is a positive thing to do.

We have all seen what can happen when a child, or adult for that matter, becomes extremely upset and angry or frustrated and out of control. Toddlers lose control when they are having a tantrum. The same thing can happen with older children, although this behaviour is usually referred to as a ‘meltdown.’ How to calm angry kids is a whole other article!

Of course, by the time your child has ‘lost it’ it is too late. You have to accept that fact.

What is the point of calm down time?

The aim of calm down time is to teach your child to recognise when they are in danger of being overwhelmed by their feelings, and to go to calm down time before things get out of control.

Your child won’t be able to do this by themselves straight away without support from you, and you should introduce them to calm down time at a neutral time.

Talk about it with your child, and explain that calm down time is not a punishment; you are introducing it because you understand what it feels like for them when they are upset and angry, and you want to help them to feel better.

Explain that you will suggest they go to calm down time when you see them becoming upset about something, and talk about some specific situations where this might happen. There will be no specific time limit, they might only be there for five minutes, and it is up to your child to come out when they want to.

[clickToTweet tweet=”There are 2 things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.” quote=”There are 2 things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”]

Where should calm down time be?

Calm down time should be a quiet area somewhere which ideally you can leave set up.

Give it a name, maybe ‘the calm down corner’ or ‘the chill out den,’ get your child’s input when you are setting it up; it could be in your child’s bedroom, but only if that is the place they choose.

Calm down time is not about being ‘sent to your room,’ or ‘to sit on the step.’

It should not be seen as a consequence for misbehaviour.

Make the calm down space inviting and comfortable for your child, perhaps with a beanbag, some cushions and/or a nice soft blanket or rug. There should be something there for your child to do if they wish, maybe some books, a basket of toys or a CD player so that they can listen to stories or music.

Mind jars (a jar filled with glitter glue and water, that you can shake up and then watch the glitter settle) can be useful for young children and can help to distract, while also having a relaxing effect. There is a lot of information on the internet about how to make them.

If you have a child who gets easily frustrated or angry introduce calm down time and try to use this technique whenever you see emotions beginning to run high.

And don’t forget:

Be a role model.

When your children are driving you nuts, and it has all become a bit too much for the grown ups tell your kids you are going to ‘calm down time.'

If you want your child to learn a particular behaviour there is no better way than demonstrating that behaviour yourself.

For more ideas, check out this post from Childhood 101!

Jane

A bit about the author:

Jane Rogers lives in the UK and is founder of The Cambridge Parent Coach. She is experienced in running a number of highly regarded parenting courses, and writes and runs her own workshops for parents. Jane is passionate about Positive Parenting and her aim is to share the ethos and ideas of this style of parenting in a way that is simple to understand, and easy to put into practice.

Jane’s two parent workbooks: ‘How to Encourage Positive Behaviour so You Can Enjoy You Children’ and ‘How to Use Positive Discipline to Improve Your Child’s Behaviour’ are available on Amazon

The Best and Quickest Way to Defeat an Upset Child

By Jane Rogers Filed Under: Positive Parenting Tagged With: Communication, Mindfulness, Parenting This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

Parenting cliches drive me insane. I'm guilty. Don't get me wrong. Parenting an emotional child (or two) offers me plenty of opportunity to exercise the power of a good parenting cliche.

Still, why can't adults recognize that – cognitively speaking – not all cliches can be treated equally when it comes to speaking with kids?

One main reason I'm drawn to Montessori is the respect she gives to children in her writing and her educational approach. Respecting the child can be misunderstood to mean that we should treat a child as an adult. That is not the case. Within the context of child development and embracing the specific developmental stage, we must respect the child.

In other words, telling a young child, “You're okay,” doesn't work well. Why? To the child, the big emotions and what he is experiencing inside his heart, his body, and his mind tells him that he's not okay.

So, when someone says, “Life is too short to sweat the small stuff, isn’t it?”

It’s what adults often say to each other. But a child’s attitude to the ‘small stuff’ is a different matter.

One dad attending my parenting course stated: Children do ‘sweat the small stuff.’

Another parent with whom I recently worked could not understand why her four-year-old son made a huge fuss because his biscuit was broken. She offered him another biscuit, but he would have none of it.

What could she do? She couldn’t exactly stick the broken biscuit back together could she?

This little story made me smile and reminded me of the time when my son, then around the same age, was inconsolable one day because his Batman pants were in the wash. You would have thought his little world had just ended.

There’s no doubt, children can get very emotional quickly about seemingly unimportant things. It might not seem like a good idea to pander to these emotions or to bend over backward to make everything right for them all the time.

The important thing is to listen to your child. Patience and empathy on your part will help your child feel validated in that their emotions are valid, which they are, they really do feel upset/disappointed or whatever it is.

Most parents are not surprised when their two-year-old gets upset about small things. The behavior is accepted and not at all unusual for a child of this age. But it is common for older children to get emotional when something doesn't feel right.

Being able to regulate our emotions, delay gratification, and respond appropriately to life’s ups and downs are skills that take time to develop. Furthermore, some children will need more support than others.

“Teaching your child how to solve their problems will assist them a great deal as they grow older.”

11 Ways to Respond to An Emotional Child

Name the problem ‘Your sister has stepped on your Lego model again.”
Acknowledge the feeling: ‘That must be upsetting.’
Ask your child if they can think of a solution ‘What do you think you could do to stop this from happening?’
Brainstorm some different solutions; support your child to do this.
Agree on a solution: ‘So it’s agreed that you will play with your Lego at the other end of the sitting room, where no one is going to be walking past.’
Try out the solution. Remind your child to put the plan into action.
Review the plan at a later time and talk to your child about whether the solution to the problem has worked, and if so why? If it has not worked, why is that, what could be done differently?
Model problem solving in this way: ‘Kid’s, the film is all booked up on the day we want to see it, shall we go another day, see a different film or do something else instead?” Children learn a lot by watching others.
Be aware that children develop different skills at different rates. You may have a bright child who appears to be ahead when it comes to reading and learning, but that does not necessarily mean that they will be up to the same speed in their emotional development.
Let him have the experience. If there is not an answer to the problem, the cookie really is broken, or the Batman pants really are in the wash, then your child will need to learn that sometimes life hands us disappointment. Let him feel the feelings.
Stay calm and be there for them while they ‘sweat the small stuff.’

Acknowledge, validate and guide the child to use these emotions in a productive way is key. I hope you enjoyed this post.

Jane

7 Ideas on How to Raise a Confident Child

Have you noticed that confident people seem to be people who generally have good self-esteem and a high regard for themselves? A confident child exhibits the same potential.

And likewise, those with healthy self-esteem are usually pretty confident too.

As parents, we all want to raise an independent child who we don’t have to worry about when they finally walk out the door as a young adult.

There’s a lot you can do to nurture your child’s confidence and self-esteem.

Seven Ideas on How to Raise a Confident Child

# 1 – Listen. Really listen.

People with good self-esteem believe that what they have to say is valid and worth listening to. Listening to your child, actually fully listening and giving your undivided attention, is one of the most valuable things you can do to support your child’s self- esteem.

How often have you found yourself saying something like ‘umm, yeah carry on, I’m listening’ when you are actually busy doing something else or thinking about something else? I know I used to do that at times when my kids were young. (They just talk so much don’t they?)

But on the playground and in the classroom there are so many children all needing to be heard, and the quieter or less confident child can sometimes end up without a voice.

Make sure that at home your child’s voice is always heard, ask for their opinion on things and really listen to what they have to say.

#2 – Spend one-on-one time with your child

There is no better way to let the child know that they are an important and special person than by spending regular one-on-one time with them.

This might not always be easy, busy lives get in the way. If you have to, try scheduling the time in, tell your child you are looking forward to being with them and ask them what they would like to do.

Make sure you keep to the plan and do something that your child has chosen. It may be that it is something that you don’t particularly want to do.

Participate fully in the activity (no checking your phone).

For me, it was playing a very complicated game called ‘Warhammer’ I never really got to grips with the rules.

And when the time is over don't forget to say how much you enjoyed it.

Don’t worry if your child complains or even has a tantrum at this point. This behavior is telling you that your child enjoys your time together, it is valuable to them, they just don’t have the emotional maturity yet to express their disappointment in a more appropriate way.

# 3 – Encourage Independence

Stop doing everything for your children, and don’t micro-manage them. If your younger child can just about dress themselves in the morning but you always do it for them because it is quicker, stop doing it.

Encourage them to dress and praise them for doing it, you may need to give yourself more time in the mornings, but it will be worth it in the end.

If your older child asks you for a lift into town because they don’t know how to use the bus as you haven’t got around to teaching them, don’t keep putting it off.

Doing things that we find difficult or daunting, and succeeding at them can give a wonderful boost to self- esteem and confidence.

Give your child the opportunity to feel that boost.

#4 – Give Responsibility

I will never forget the look on my son’s face the first time he ran an errand for me and went to the local shop to buy some milk. There he was walking up the street towards home (I couldn’t stop myself from keeping a look out for him) swinging the milk around, striding purposefully with his head held high. Everything about that eight-year-old little boy at that moment said ‘I know what I’m doing, and I know where I’m heading.’

Fast forward to this summer just gone.

We dropped him off at the airport for what was to be the start of an epic adventure thousands of miles away from home. As I walked away I looked back over my shoulder to see if he would do the same.

He did, and as he waved and smiled at me for a fleeting moment I saw that confident little eight year old again, and I knew he would be alright.

Trust your child, and let them experience what it feels like to given responsibility.

#5 – Teach Problem-Solving

When your child has a problem it can be so tempting to try and help by ‘fixing’ it for them.

No parent likes to see their child struggling, but before you dive in with your advice, ask your child what they think they could do. If they don’t know, support them to come up with some solutions with you. Get into the habit of doing this every time there is a problem.

Role model problem solving yourself. At the dinner table talk about something difficult that you have overcome that day or that week, talk about the steps you took to solve the problem or talk through a problem you have (keep it age appropriate) and encourage your child to try out possible solutions when they have a problem.

#6 – Nurture Yourself

You are a very important role model for your child. Children absorb so much from watching others. If they see a parent putting themselves down or brushing away praise or being very self- critical, that is likely to become the behavior that they adopt.

If you do this frequently you may be inadvertently ‘teaching’ your child that thinking and speaking well of yourself is not a good thing to do.

Talk yourself up instead. Talk about your successes, however small, and tell your children what accomplishments you are most proud of.

#7 – Encourage Your Child

It may seem obvious, but never underestimate the value of encouraging your child. And I don’t mean the ‘Go on I’m sure you can do it you will be fine, just give it a go,’ sort of encouragement.

What if your child fails or doesn’t give it a go?

I ‘m talking about the sort of encouragement you can give when your child is really struggling:

‘You really tried hard to keep your balance, before you fell off, I’m proud of you.’

‘I know you find it really hard to read all the words by yourself, but even so, you tried and you’ve got through nearly a whole sentence without my help!’

My younger son used to hate answering the door or the phone, so on the occasions when he did do it we would say something like:

‘That was brave of you, you did it even though you didn’t want to, well done.’

Think how different this feels to ‘Don’t be so silly! There’s nothing to be scared of.’

If your child is finding something difficult imagine how it would feel to hear them say ‘It’s so hard, but I think I can work out a way to do it, I’m just going to keep trying.’

Life is full of challenges and disappointments

To be able to ride through the turbulent times and come out the other side without being swallowed up is never easy. But, if you have a mountain to climb, you are more likely to keep going and reach the top if you have a confident attitude, tenacious mindset, and an intrinsic faith in yourself.

The seeds of a positive ‘can do’ approach like this are sown in childhood.

More about the author:
Jane Rogers lives in the UK and is founder of The Cambridge Parent Coach. She is experienced in running a number of highly regarded parenting courses, and writes and runs her own workshops for parents, designed to help solve all those day-to-day parenting problems quickly and easily. She writes and runs workshops for parents and has many years of experience working with families. Jane is passionate about Positive Parenting and her aim is to share the ethos and ideas of this style of parenting in a way that is simple to understand, and easy to put into practice. To find out more about her work visit The Cambridge Parent Coach. Jane is currently adapting her workshops into workbooks for parents. The first workbook is available on Amazon and is titled: ‘How to Encourage Good behaviour, so you can Enjoy Your Children’.

The Easiest Way to Improve Your Child’s Negative Behavior

By Jane Rogers Filed Under: Positive Discipline, Positive Parenting Tagged With: Communication, Parenting This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

Feed me and I will grow.

Close your eyes.

Imagine that someone is standing in front of you with a balloon in each hand. One balloon is large and full of air. You cannot help but notice it. This balloon represents your child’s difficult behavior. The other balloon has hardly any air and is very small. You can hardly see it. This balloon is the good behavior.

Which balloon are you going to focus on?

Often when there is a lot of difficult behavior it is that negative behavior that gets all the attention. Parents (and I am guilty) often think that they need to be more proactive with this behavior. So, they add a myriad of arrows to their quill to be ready to manage and hopefully conquer this behavior.

No one will argue that knowing how to manage difficult behavior is critically important. However, parents must also understand that of equal importance is the emphasis, the time, and the effort made using parenting strategies that will encourage and motivate positive behavior in children. Lean into the positive behavior. Lay on the praise within context.

You will soon find that you are spending less time giving attention to the negative behavior, and the negative behavior will become less common.

The best part? In the meantime, the positive behavior that you have been ‘feeding’ will increase.

The little balloon will get bigger and you won't be able to miss it.

The Ultimate Tip to Improve Negative Behavior

Use Descriptive Praise

Most parents realize that it is important to praise their children within context. By focusing on the effort within context, children make the positive connections. Many parents don’t often understand is just how useful this simple strategy can be when it comes to encouraging good behavior. Furthermore, many parents will often use praise in a rather vague or exaggerated way, and say things like: ‘Well done’, ‘That was great’, ‘Fantastic’ or ‘Good boy’. This gives your child the message that you are pleased with them, but does not tell them exactly what it is you are pleased with.

Instead of praising in a rather vague or exaggerated way by saying things like: ‘Well done’, ‘That was great’, ‘Fantastic’ or ‘Good boy’, use description praise. This gives your child the message that you are pleased with him, and he knows exactly the reasons why.

9 Examples of Descriptive Praise

‘I noticed you listened and did as I asked straight away, thank you’
‘You have put all your toys in the toy box, good tidying’
‘You got on with your homework today without being reminded, well done.’
‘I saw you two sharing and taking turns‘
Even if your child is not quite demonstrating the behavior you want, praise every step of the way.
‘That’s great, I see you have tidied up some of your toys.’
‘Thank you for doing as I asked’ (even though your child may have moaned and complained while doing it)
‘Good, you have started to get ready’
‘Well done for taking turns’ (even though this was done grudgingly)

Use descriptive praise and you will be communicating with your child exactly what it is you are pleased with. Children generally thrive on positive attention and want their parent’s approval, if you spend time with them and praise them every day, this can have a positive effect on behavior, and for children with low level difficult or challenging behavior, this will often be all that is needed to turn things around.

If you enjoyed this post, definitely check out my comprehensive ‘How to encourage good behavior, so you can enjoy your children’ workbook available on Amazon.

Jane

Operation Stop Interrupting: Your Six Step Plan to End the Torture

By Jane Rogers Filed Under: Positive Parenting Tagged With: Communication, Parenting This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

I clutched the phone securely to my ear paying close attention to what my car repair guy was saying to me on the other end.

‘Mum. Mum. Mummy. Mum. Mama,'

I can feel the tapping of my son's fingers on my thigh as I write this sentence. I bet you can feel it, too.

Why do children always interrupt when you are on the phone?

It must be something to do with them sensing that you have become ‘unavailable’ to them, an attention seeking behavior, right?

I can remember my children interrupting often when I was trying to deal with life's most awesome moments like moving house, on important calls with doctors, and the list goes on. Without these tough circumstances, interrupting is ingrained in a child.

Here is done good news: it doesn't have to be.

Your Guide to Operation Stop Interrupting

#1 – Talk to your child at a NEUTRAL time about the issue rather than reacting when it happens.

‘Why do you always have to interrupt me? You could see I was on the phone!’

Are you guilty? Me, too. Let me guess? It didn’t stop your child from interrupting the next time, right?

#2 – Explain the REASONS why you want them to entertain themselves when you are on the phone, keep it simple, keep it friendly.

#3 – Have your child to REPEAT BACK to you what you have said using Why, What, When questions:

‘When Mummy is on the phone, what do you need to do?’

‘Why do you need to play by yourself?’

‘What could you do?’(suggest some activities)

‘How will you know when it’s ok to talk to mummy?'

#4 – PRACTICE, especially suitable for younger children, you can make it fun, making a ‘pretend’ phone call. Kids love role play and it's an effective way to help learn behavior.

For an older child you could perhaps do a reverse role play where you interrupt their phone call. There’s scope here for having some fun and bringing some humour into it, which is often helpful.

#5 – SET UP A SITUATION where you have someone call or have a conversation with you. Tell your child that this is going to happen, and have the: What, How, Why conversation again. Keep the phone call short (give your child a chance to succeed)

#6 – PRAISE your child within context for appropriate behavior, even if they didn't quite successfully manage to not interrupt you for the whole call

‘Thank you, Archie, you played on your own for five minutes while I was on the phone, let’s see if you can make it six minutes next time!’

Keep things upbeat and positive, children respond so much better to this approach.

This might seem a lot of hard work because, well, it is. As with so many aspects of parenting, going that extra mile can make all the difference. I don't have to tell you that much.