When my child began facing obstacles, at first, I took it personally. I was self-conscious. I felt like a failure as a parent and truly believed that all eyes were on me.

You can read all about the stages of my parenting a child with extreme behavior.

Having a child with obstacles isn't rare. Each of our kids lands somewhere on the spectrum of learning and emotion development. Some children, of course, are more extreme than other children. My point is that parents have to get to know their child and how best to handle behavior obstacles with effective responses and often self-care to maintain more calm and less anger.

Related Resource: Check out the 2o19 Super Sensory Bundle – Available Now

There isn't a child that doesn't have a uniqueness that we can choose to face with strength and positivity or to face with weaknesses and negativity.

Parenting a Child with Extreme Behavior

Here are a few ways I turn the potential negative into a positive:

1. When my child asks for the 10th time if I going to be the one that picks him up from school: instead of flipping on him and reminding him that I've told him 9 times that, yes, I would be there, say: “You really like to know what it happening throughout the day. You always have a plan. You're my planner! I love that about you “
2. When your child gets angry at his sibling for being less than neat, say “You keep your brothers in line! I appreciate how you want to take good care of your space and our home.”
3. When your child begins his homework for the third time because he doesn't like the way he wrote his name on the top of the paper, say: “You really work hard at your handwriting. I can tell.”
4. When your child is agitated because there is sand in his shoes, say, “You don't like anything in your shoes. I get that. Can I help you get the sand off from your feet? We can solve that problem!”
5. When your child is devastated because the grocery store is out of his favorite crackers, say, “You were really looking forward to those crackers! Now you feel disappointed. Should we make a plan to make sure we are able to get your crackers tomorrow?”
6. For the super-organized child: “You're so on top of things. I love that about you. I always know who can tell me where I left my car keys!”
7. For the super-focused child: “You are amazing. You discover something you like and you learn everything you can about it. I always love it when you teach me new things.”

I could go on and on with examples. My point is that there is a way to celebrate these extreme behaviors. Being unique is a good thing. We need people to go against the grain, to be creative beyond the norm, and to feel the world around them like no other.

These qualities are what makes our world extraordinary.

Talk to you soon!
Marnie

There is a process of parenting a child with challenges.

Whether your child ends up diagnosed as being “on the spectrum”, or if your child has an extreme and intense personality, is beside the point.

At the end of the day, we have an opportunity to celebrate all these differences for what the qualities really are – superpowers.

At least that is how I like to think about it.

My process of parenting a child with an explosive, angry, aggressive, and rigid personality went something like this:

The 6 Stages of Parenting a Child with SPD

#1 – Denial

At 2 years old – “Huh, THIS is the terrible twos, ” I thought to myself wondering why his older brother never had “tantrums” that lasted more than an hour. I called this phrase “denial” and perhaps there was a bit of denial at the end but really it was me not having a clue about what the behavior meant or how to help him. I am being truthful.

#2 – Self-Doubt

At 3 years old – I felt all eyes were on me in every part of my life no matter if we were at the grocery store or at home with extended family, I internalized every single one of his meltdowns as my failure as a parent. No matter if it was my sister, my mom, my husband – his behavior was a direct result of me totally screwing up. #truth

#3 – Anger

Somewhere between 3 and 4, I began to become more and more angry at my child and at myself. I couldn't understand why he behaved in these extreme ways and I had zero ideas for how to respond to him effectively. Not to mention the impact he was having on our family and his siblings, especially. I don't remember much about this time because, well, we all know what anger does to our brains, right? I just remember feeling helpless, resentful, and full of shame.

#4 – Knowledge

Around the same time, I began to gather lots and lots of information from the blogosphere, therapies, books, friends, and online forums. This stage was all about educating myself and building a supportive community around these parenting struggles. We've explored a variety of therapies and parent coaching over the year. I wanted knowledge and communication tactics for my back pocket.

Related Resource: Check out the 2o19 Super Sensory Bundle – Available Now

#5 – Acceptance

Around 5 years old, I experience an acceptance I didn't anticipate. This is the “it is what it is” stage. I could either play the cards life handed me, or I could be miserable, unhappy, and closed in my relationship with my spouse, my kids, my extended family, and my friends. So, I chose to embrace his qualities as gifts. The challenges he faces day to day are difficult but the qualities that drive him to this behavior are what makes it unique and great. He is fiercely loyal, detail oriented, organized, and has executive functioning skills off the charts. His ability to read people's emotions is undeniable. These qualities translate into an adult being able to make thoughtful decisions, to have conviction, and to advocate for himself.

Related Post: What I Learned from Raising a Challenging Child

#6 – Empowerment

This stage is the fun one. After accepting the situation in the previous stage, I felt more confident than ever in parenting my son. Now, my goal is to train him on the FACT that his extreme qualities that bring obstacles to his daily life are the same qualities that will bring him success and happiness in life. Without acceptance of these qualities and celebration of these qualities, there is little chance of becoming a happy, well-adjusted adult. I will find ways to embrace his extreme qualities time and time again.

In fact, I already have a set of “back pocket” responses when encountering one of these extreme qualities. Take the negative and turn it into a positive, the challenges into strength, and the obstacles to opportunities.

I will share those ideas with you in the next post.

A few resources to help you guide your child with extreme behavior

• The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene
• Headspace, a meditation app
• Moleskin Journal for recording observations & thoughts
• Happy Mom Book Bundle
• Sensory Processing Bundle
• Calm the Chaos Framework

Thanks for reading!

Marnie

At night, after the day has long been put to rest, I hold you close to me. You demand me at night time. I often feel frustrated and resentment because you cling to me so tightly I can barely find my breath.

Disproportional anxiety over life's tiny (to me) details drives me crazy during the daylight hours.

I want to scream:

“I am here. I am not going anywhere. I would do anything for you. I am your mom. I am here. I am not going anywhere. Feel safe. Feel secure. I am your mom. I am not going anywhere.”

At night, as we lay side by side, I wrap my arm around you and snuggle closer. I smell your hair consumed by a summertime spent outdoors. I listen to your breath gently move through your body. I feel your chest up and down up and down.

Your body is warm to the touch but I get closer to you.

I can never seem to get close enough. 

In my arms, your body seems fragile, delicate, and vulnerable. I suddenly find myself feeling protective. So, I hold you tighter and I whisper “I love you so much. I would do anything for you. Please hear me.”

You see, at night, after the sun sets, I have already forgotten about the challenges from earlier in the day. I have forgotten about the broken bits and pieces of our home resulting from anger and violence. I have forgotten about the verbal outbursts and taunting dished out during your most challenging moments when your behavior deviates far from the core of your kind, nurturing, devoted, and loyal character. Those moments evoke unrecognizable behavior & embody emotion your tiny body and developing brain cannot possibly process.

So, you explode. 

But at this moment, at night, in the dark, holding you, none of that matters. We are connected as we should be as a mom and a son struggling to make sense of the world.

Both of us.

At this moment, in bed, listening to a story, hearing the crickets, feeling the warmth of your body, you are my kind boy, you are safe, and I know that you will be okay.

These moments are the ones I choose to hold close to my heart day after day after day after day long into the future…

My five-year-old was melting down fast. I had to respond in a way that would meet him. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, waiting for the ticking time bomb to go off.

Then I recalled a conversation I had with my talented friend, Dayna, from Lemon Lime Adventures. She reminded me to acknowledge his strong emotions and qualities for exactly what they are. So I took a deep breath and step towards him. I sat down and made sure he could see my eyes:

“You really like to know how we're going to spend our days. You're always prepared and organized. You like to have a plan. I like that about you.” I said calmly and gently.

He stopped chewing on his finger and looked at me. Then he let me hold him. We figured out our next moves together and went on with the day.

It is moments like this one when I am grateful for the guidance I have received from Dayna.

Does the scene sound familiar?

Have you ever wished you could understand your child better?

Do you feel your kid seems a little “too sensitive”, or maybe your child gets aggressive without warning?

Do you wish you knew how to respond better in these moments?

Do you wish you could help your child manage these strong emotions?

You are absolutely not alone.

In fact, I often hear this concern from parents and teachers. They wish they knew WHY kids acted the way they did. They wish they had all the answers to make parenting and educating easier.

What if I told you that I have that secret?

So often when I start to talk to other parents about struggles they are having their children, our conversations come around to behaviors.

It is the most outward part of our children that we see and the one thing that can leave us without answers.

Surprisingly many of the behaviors you see that frustrate you or bewilder you are directly connected to your child's emotions.

Since emotions and “misbehaviors” can be the root of miscommunication with children, I wanted to share this quick FREE 3-Part Video Series just for you offered by my friend, Dayna.

The Calm the Chaos Workshop  was created by Dayna. She is a National Board Certified early childhood teacher and mom of three with over 15 years of experience with children’s behaviors both in and out of the classroom.

She has taken her 15 years in the classroom, 11 years as a parent to a worried child, and extensive brain-based research from experts in the field and created a resource that puts all the information you need to calm the chaos at your fingertips.

This Workshop will help you dig into using your child's emotions and behaviors to make you a better parent and teacher.

What will this series teach me?

This series will teach you:

• How to recognize what is really going on behind big over-reactive behaviors.
• How to observe your child’s behaviors to look for patterns.
• How to respond and connect with your child when they are struggling with big emotions so you can help your child be the best kid they can be.

Each part of the series comes with printables to bring you closer to a calmer home.

1. The key to understanding common misbehaviors {printable + lesson}
2. Getting to the root of troubling behaviors {printable + lesson}
3. Helpful Phrases to say in response to frustrating behaviors {printable + lesson }

Take the first step to understanding and connecting with your child today! Don’t wait too long though, this Free Workshop will only be available for a very short time and then it disappears.

Trust me, these techniques changed my family's life. Dayna will do the same for you.

Click here to sign up for the Free Calm the Chaos Workshop

Let me know if you have any questions!

Marnie

Learn More:  Calm the Chaos Workshop