“Do you have a minute to chat?” my son's teacher asked me waving me to come into her classroom.

My stomach dropped as I managed a smile, “Sure!”

She began to tell me a story about a tribe of four boys picking on another, smaller boy in their class.

My son?

Part of the tribe.

My heart sank because I know that behavior would not make my son feel good and because the boy being picked on is a friend.

Social pressures of boys are tricky especially as they are trying to figure out how to navigate the friendship terrain. What feels right may not feel good and fear, as well as panic, overcome kids trying to understand how to like and how to be liked…a child might make a bad decision but that doesn't mean that she is not kind and compassionate. Precisely the opposite, a moment like this one provides an opportunity to teach a child what it means to be a friend and to be empathetic.

So, what is a mom to do when she is told HER son is the one bullying?

Related Read: What You Can Do about Bullying

I slept on it. I waited for the right time to talk about the situation in a way that was non-threatening and relevant. I didn't want him to be defensive.

I needed to gather information and needed him to open up to me.

Then I needed to find the right words.

My Main TakeAways from Being the Parent of the Bully

1. WAIT for the right time to have a conversation within context and relevant
2. ROLEPLAY various social scenarios
3. GATHER information with lots of “what about” questions a la Dr. Ross Greene's collaborative problem-solving approach.
4. ASK questions such as, “What would you do if you were Billy?” Boys are more likely to respond with more words than if asking “How would you feel if…” Read Leonard Sax's Boys Adrift for more insight into that science.
5. IDENTIFY role models in your child's class, in books you're reading, and in your family. Toss aside books that degrade the characteristics such as caring about friends, about your family, and about your school life.
6. BE the model by being kind and being the one who stands up for the “smaller” child. Even if you have to exaggerate this modeling, the lesson will still be there…

 

I cradled my iPhone in the palm of my hand. My eyes scanned the headline: “deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history”. My breath lost its way for a moment. Then, as most moms would do, I tucked away my feelings and turned to my sons.

“Mama, what is it? What's wrong?” my 6-year-old asked me.

So much for tucking away my feelings.

“Why do you ask me that, sweetheart?”

“Your face looks scared…” he noted spot on.

I went over to him and knelt down to look at him.

“Your ability to read people is a gift. I am so amazed by you.” My boy is often labeled as “overly sensitive” and “explosive” because he feels the world around him.

This is another example of why we need to elevate and celebrate these unique and often extreme qualities.

“What happened?” he persisted.

Why Telling the Truth to Our Kids Needs to Happen

I glanced over my shoulder to my husband. He nodded giving me the go-ahead to speak the truth to our young son.

“A man hurt a lot of people.”

I want to be detailed but not too detailed.

I want to be succinct by not too brief to leave questions and uncertainty.

“You mean he threw a bomb?”

“Basically. He had many guns and used them to hurt people at a concert. So, there were a lot of people in a small space. There was no place for them to run.”

Did I say too much? I worried.

“He just ran into the crowd and shot them? Why didn't anyone stop him?” His eyes glared at me desperately trying to understand my words.

I took a deep breath, put my arms on his shoulders, and looked him straight in the eyes, “This man, he was not a good man and he lacked courage. He was weak. He shot these people from a window high up so there was little anyone could do until the police were able to help. A lot happened quickly and the police did the best they could…”

How Can We Teach Our Kids that Taking the Difficult Path Will Make Them Stronger?

He stared at me. I could see his mind trying to process all of this information.

“If I was there, I would have tried to protect people.” His comment floored me.

You see, I worry that in 2017 – a time where kids seem to have it all and working hard takes a back burner – my kids will grow up to be weak. I want them to take a hard road so they become stronger. I encourage them to avoid taking the easy path because that will make them weak.

Then this happens…and I am reassured that I am raising a warrior kid.

My eyes filled with tears. He recognized the fact that the ordinary people need to act as warriors, need to be the heroes, and need to help each other.

“When I grow up, I am going to make it so bad people can't have guns. Why did they let him have a gun?” That was a big statement for a mother to take in.

All these questions. My mind was spinning so I decided to speak with my body. I held him tightly and whispered to him, “You're such a good person. You have such a big heart. I will always protect you. Will you always protect me?”

He nodded.

“For now though the best you can do is to be kind and to be good. So, at school today, be the guy that makes the hard choices. Maybe one of your classmates is having a tough day and you can say something to lift his spirits? Or maybe one of your classmates is getting picked on and you can step in and be his friend?”

“I bet my teachers will be sad about this bad guy. Maybe I can help them, too.”

Crap, this kid. Gets me every single time.

It is obvious that these incidents will continue to happen. Unfortunately, in a country going through a lot of transition, there will be confusion, and, likely, there will be more violence.

The best we can do as the adults in our kids' lives, no matter if we're in the classroom or at home, is to prepare for the questions. Be as proactive as possible. Anticipate the questions.  Don't ignore the reality, don't run in the other direction. Instead, be prepared.

Onward, friends.

Marnie

P.S. The Way of the Warrior Kid by Jocko Willink is a great way to introduce ideas about working hard and being strong to kids.

I asked my son this question recently, and he said:

‘Because they are the only ones who will believe you.’

Ha, Ha very funny, but that was not actually what I was thinking. Nice thought though isn’t it that your children will always have faith in you.

Back to the question though: As a parent why is it a good idea to sing your praises in front of your child, isn’t that teaching them to be a bit boastful?

No, I don’t think so, and it can be a beneficial habit to get into, as speaking positively about yourself in front of your children can be a good way for you to support their self- esteem.

Many parents worry about their child’s self- esteem. It’s natural to worry if your child has a habit of putting themselves down, maybe saying they are ‘rubbish’ even though you tell them they are not. Or you may have a child who won’t try new things because they might fail. One parent I know became frustrated because her younger son refused to learn to ride the bike he bought for his birthday. He had seen his older brother having fun on his ‘big boys’ bike, and wanted to be like him, but when it came down to it, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and just could not summon up the courage to try.

The fear of failure can be intense.

There’s no getting away from it though; it is tough out there for kids these days. When they leave the cozy, protective world of home and pre-school or nursery, there are enormous challenges. Not only do they have to learn so many new things formally, but there is all the learning that goes on in the playground. Making and breaking up with friends, finding new friends, and knowing what to do and how to handle it when things are not going well, are all necessary skills which no one really teaches you. Self- esteem can be very fragile, and having the resilience to bounce back after a set- back, or to keep trying even though it is difficult, or to get up when you have been knocked down, are big asks of all of us really, adults and children alike.

So what can you do to nurture your child’s self- esteem?

There is plenty of advice out there:

• Make sure your child spends plenty of quality time with an adult who listens and cares
• Give praise and encouragement, allows for mistakes to be made
• Have reasonable expectations
• Encourage independence
• Teach problem-solving skills
• Set your child up to succeed at least some of the time.

These tips are all very beneficial, but the importance of modeling healthy self-esteem so that your child can see it first hand is often not given enough emphasis.

You are a fundamental role model for your child. Children absorb so much from watching others. If they see a parent putting themselves down or brushing away praise or being very self- critical, that is likely to become the behavior that they adopt. If you do this frequently, you may be inadvertently ‘teaching’ your child that was thinking and speaking well of yourself is not a good thing to do.

So big yourself up instead. Talk about your successes, however big or small. Tell your children about proud moments and not so proud moments. If you have had a go at something, maybe been to a job interview, tried to learn something new, or do something you have found challenging, talk about what went well, and don’t focus on what did not go so well.

For example, instead of saying, ‘Some of the questions the interviewer asked were hard to understand. So, I kept having to ask him to repeat things. I felt like such an idiot,' Say something like, ‘There were a few questions I did not understand, but when that happened I asked the interviewer to repeat the question for me, and I gave the best answer I could give him.’

Another example is to say, ‘I thought singing would be easy, but now I realize my voice is rubbish. I must have sounded so croaky compared to the other people in the group,’ say: ‘Well that was more of a challenge than I thought it would be, but I’m going to go again, it will be fun to see if I can get the hang of it.’

This approach may be easy for some people, but it certainly doesn’t come naturally to everyone. As children, we are often taught not to boast or show off. Talking about ourselves always, and all the amazing things we have done can be a bit of a turn off to others. So there is a fine line here. There is a difference between someone who likes to show off all the time and give the impression that they are better than everyone else and someone who is quietly confident in themselves. If you pay someone with this trait a compliment, they will not shrug it off and say ‘Oh it was nothing,’ but will accept your approval and thank you for it.

If your child is finding something difficult think how it would feel to hear them say ‘It’s so hard, but I think I can work out a way to do it, I’m just going to keep trying.’

What is the genesis of the “can-do” attitude?

Some of it at least will be down to you, the parent.

Life is full of challenges and disappointments, and to be able to ride through the turbulent times and come out the other side without being swallowed up, is easier if you have good, strong healthy self -esteem and an intrinsic faith in yourself.

Childhood sows the seeds.

Hope you enjoyed this article!